Tuesday, April 27, 2010

Gratitude

A few months back I was talking to my mom. My mom is an amazing woman. She is one of the strongest people I have ever met and never is afraid to admit her mistakes so she and others can learn from them. I was going through a particularly rough patch at that point in time and I was telling her how I had wanted so badly for my marriage to work out. I didn't want to be divorced. I didn't want to have to start from ground zero. I didn't want to live with roommates and more than anything, I didn't want to go back to the world of dating. My mom told me something that I will never forget. She said, " I know honey. I know you wanted your marriage to work and you wanted to be married, and you don't get that one thing right now. BUT, think of all the other things you can have. Think of all the dreams and goals you have. Think of all the things you like to do. You can have all those things. You can travel, live wherever you want, go to grad school, develop new hobbies...etc. You can can have all those things, thousands of experiences and opportunities, you just don't get that one thing...right now." It gave me perspective. As I have pondered it more and more, I realize that really what my mom was saying is be grateful for the opportunities and where your life is at now.

I remember as a 15 year old teenager, I thought my life would start when I turned 16. I wanted to be older. I thought life would be more fun, exciting and better. My mom always told me "Ash, you only get to be 15 once in your whole entire life. You better live it up and make it the best 15th year ever." It is so true. It is human nature to always think we will be happy when x,y, and z happen. I will be happy when I am in a relationship or am married. I will be happy when I graduate. I will be happy when I move out of Provo. Happiness isn't some magic fairy dust that is sprinkled on you when you turn 16 or you say "I do." Happiness is a choice, a conscience decision to look around and take hold of the opportunities presently available to you. I am 23 years old and I will only be 23 one time in my whole life. I might as well make it the best year so far. I was flipping through the journal I kept while I was in Romania. I stumbled upon a "gratitude" entry. I know, I know, it is kind of Molly Mormon, but it helped me remember the simple goodness found in life. I can honestly say I am happy right now in my life. I have so much to look forward to, so much to learn. I feel I have come leaps and bounds from where I was before. I feel open to life and am not limiting it based on my relationship status. Of course I still have my days and no one can hang streamers for her own pity party like I can, but I truly love life. I love my job; I love my family and I love my friends. I am so blessed. I am ready for big things. I am ready to travel, meet new people, try new things, and maybe even...date! I might have to retort that last one. I'll get back to you in few weeks. Life is too short not to enjoy, regardless of one's circumstances.

I decided to share with you a few things for which I am grateful. Please feel free to share add to the list via comments.

I am grateful for:

-Family because I love them no matter what and they love me despite my faults- we stick together
-Good friends- I have amazing friends. My life has been so enriched by my relationship with such amazing people
-Breathtaking views-because you feel so small in the majesty of the Lord's creations
-Little hands clasping your pinky- It makes you realize how much God loves his children and how perfectly innocent they are. It makes me stand in awe at his creations
-Dancing- because you are free. I like dancing alone in my apartment and singing at the top of my lungs.
-Laughing until your stomach and face ache
-Finding the perfect gift for someone
-Going on a good hard run
-Feeling the sunshine on your face
-Butterfly, Eskimo and Cow kisses (giving them, not receiving them…thanks Larue)
-Driving with the windows down and the music up
-Tickle wars, water fights, and midnight giddiness
-Mom's hugs- especially when she hasn't seen me in awhile…I also love the look she has in her eyes- I don't know how to explain it…I guess it's just love
-Sittin on Papa Hook's lap
-Inside jokes- because most of the time they are so stupid, but so funny
-Uncle Fred's shaving advice
-The Atonement of Jesus Christ- It gives me hope and strength and provides me a way to return back to my Heavenly Father.

Thursday, April 22, 2010

I'm Coming Out

So my Dad came to visit about a month ago. We had a blast! We went to a play, hiked in Moab, went out to dinner, and just talked. I realized it was the first time I had gone out in 6 months. I had forgotten how much I enjoy getting out of the house, hitting the town and socializing with someone other than the characters in my latest novel. So, I decided to start getting out there. I thought hanging out in a group would be a good start. My friend asked me to go out dancing in Salt Lake. I was hesitant at first, but I finally agreed. The day of the event came and I was ready. I had skinny jeans that actually made me look skinny, high heels that made my legs look miles long and didn't hurt my feet. My hair was tousled, I mastered the smokey eye without looking like a raccoon, and my lips looked voluptuous in red lip gloss. Yeah, I looked pretty hot. I opened the door to the club and the breeze wafted my hair just like one of those Victoria Secret models at a runway show. The song "I'm coming out (I want the world to know. I'm going to let it show)" sounded in the background and everyone turned to see who this new vixen could be. The hottest guy in the club came up to me and said "Hey, you wanna dance," and I said, "Sure (in a breathy, seductive voice)....but just so you know, I'm divorced. I don't know if you are okay with that. I mean you can take back the invitation if you want." The music cut and I woke up in my pajamas and with a head cold. Needless to say, I did not join my friend dancing that night. I stayed at home and spent some good quality time with Tylenol Cold and Sinus. I am happy to report my real "coming out" was much less dramatic and embarrassing than whatever happened in my sub conscience!

Monday, April 19, 2010

Prayer

Thank you for all your comments. It has been strengthening to hear your encouragement, experience, and expression of love.

One night one of my friends and I got into a deep conversation about spirituality. We were talking about the struggles of life and how they affect our spirituality. I began to express something to her that I have never talked to anyone about. Obviously, the past few months have been difficult for me, but I have never felt angry at God. I have never doubted that my Heavenly Father loves me and is aware of me. BUT, it has been difficult for me to pray and to read my scriptures every night. It is not because I don't believe Heavenly Father will listen to me or because I feel unworthy. It is quite the contrary. I know he loves me so perfectly, so profoundly and feels my sorrows. The reason my prayers or my scripture study aren't as sincere as they could be is because there are some nights when I just don't want to feel. There are some nights when I don't want to get down on my knees and pour my heart out to my Heavenly Father because I don't want to cry. I don't want to be sad. It's like when you are upset about something but you can hold it together as long as someone doesn't hug you or ask you if you are okay. When I pray, I feel my Heavenly Father's arms around me and I weep. I sob like a little child. I know that it's probably not healthy to hold in my emotions, but there are some days when you just don't want to cry; when you just want to be "okay." And I think Heavenly Father is okay with that. I think he understands and knows I am doing the absolute best I can.

A lot of people ask me why I am not angry at God about what happened. I "did everything right" and yet it turned out so wrong. While I was separated, I listened to a lecture given by an LDS speaker named John Bytheway. The lecture was called "5 Scriptures That Will Get You Through Almost Anything." One of the scriptures he read and discussed was found in the Book of Mormon (Another testament of Christ that accompanies the Bible)The scripture is found in 1 Nephi 11:17. It states "And I said unto him: I know that he loveth his children; nevertheless, I do not know the meaning of all things." John Bytheway talked about how many things happen in our lives that we don't understand. Because each of us have our own free agency, we have the power to choose and unfortunately sometimes the choices others makes hurt us. God allows tragedies and hardships in our lives. There is a big difference between causing and allowing something to happen. So we may not know why things happen to us, but the one thing we do know is that Heavenly Father loves us. I don't know why my marriage fell apart. I don't know why I felt good about marrying my husband. BUT I know my Heavenly Father loves me. That is my absolute and constant. If I hold firm to that knowledge, I do not need to know the reason behind all things.

Sunday, April 11, 2010

Confessional

What is it about hair stylists, physical therapists, massage therapists, and any other personal wellness professional that makes you want to bear all? I swear, when you get in the chair or on the table, things just come spilling out of your mouth and after you say them, you just think "why did I just say that?" Yet, you continue. It's like these people are experts on slyly probing you for information. It usually goes something like this. The other day I went to get my hair cut and the hair stylist and I were just making small talk. She asked if was married and I said, "no." She responded, "really...you are so cute." It started as a trickle-"Well, I just recently got divorced." She said, "Oh really I am sorry to hear about that. That must be really hard." Then the whole dam broke and before I knew it I had shared my whole life story. Starting with when my ex-husband and I met, all the way down to when our marriage dissolved. She never asked me to tell her the whole story, but all the affirmations, exclamations, and clarifying questions worked as a catalyst.

This is not my only experience with this. The other day I was talking to my massage therapist and she asked me about my relationship status and the whole thing happened all over again, except she asked me questions. She asked me, "So what happened? What do you think it was?" The hardest thing about the reason behind my divorce is that I'm not sure what it was. It was so abstract and somewhat incomprehensible to me. went through all the list of possible reasons and before I knew it I said something like, "Well, I don't know. Maybe the intimacy wasn't good for him." And immediately I thought, "WOW! Did I really just say that? WHY THE HECK DID I JUST SAY THAT?! Am I really telling my massage therapist about my love life." I wanted to die! Right at that moment my physical therapist walked in and he said, "Oh honey, there's no good or bad sex for guys, there's just sex." I am pretty sure I turned all the shades of red. Luckily my head was shoved into that little hole, so no one could see the humiliation on my face. Although I have to say, the comment from the physical therapist was quite humorous.

So, why do people in these professionals inspire you to confess everything? Do they receive some special psychological training while they are school? Is it because you are trapped on a seat or table for an hour or two and there is no where to run or nothing to distract you? I don't know what it is, between getting my hair done and getting PT appointments 2 times a week, who needs a therapist? I work on all my issues while I work on my split ends.

Saturday, April 3, 2010

Table for One Please

A few weeks ago, I was out running some evening errands and wanted to stop and get some dinner. Most of the time I just take it to go or eat it in my car; however, that night I just felt like sitting down in a restaurant and having someone serve me. So, I waited in line at the hostess desk. When it came my turn, the hostess said,"How many? Are you meeting your party here?" I looked her in the eye and gave her the biggest smile possible and responded, "No, table for one please." I could read the awkwardness in her eyes and body language. She looked past me and said, "Ok, great. Follow me." So I sat down and ordered. I was in my own little world until I realized a couple staring at me. Then I started looking around and noticed the majority of the room looking at me. Their heads all snapped back to the forward postion when my scan passed in their direction. It was like everyone was uncomfortable for me. I was the only person in the restaurant eating by myself. I laughed at myself. I had broken a Happy Valley social norm, one of the unwritten commandments: "Thou shalt not be a loner." It was almost satisfying making people uneasy. I sat there the whole time. I didn't call someone to detract from my solitude or ask for my meal to go. I just sat there, enjoyed every morsel of my meal and basked in my social rebellion. I have to say, I was quite proud of myself.

So go to the movies, go out to eat, go camping...just do something by yourself. Be rebellious. Don't care what others think. In fact, defy them. If you are anything like me, it will make you feel stronger, bolder, and risky. Go ahead, take a walk on the wild side!