The "D" Word

I just became aware of a new colloquial swear word in Utah Valley. It is the “D” word. No, it’s not the “D” word we are all probably familiar with. It is the word that you whisper and sometimes even mouth because you don’t want to utter it. You say it just waiting for everyone’s reaction. Will it be shock, sympathy, awkward silence, judgment? It’s always prefaced with some question about marriage and you say something like, “I’m…divorced.” Then without fail, there is a short pause and the disclaimer comes pouring out. I heard my mom give a disclaimer for years after her divorce. “I’m divorced….my husband was unfaithful.” Why do we feel we have to give an explanation? Is it really anyone’s business and more importantly, why do we have to feel guilty? It is because you would never want anyone to think you just gave up on your marriage; that you are like the 40% of Americans that decide to call it quits. I believe in marriage. I would have done anything to make my marriage not only successful, but happy. I never thought I would be divorced. I feel marriage is so much about commitment. When you are completely committed to a person, a different kind of love grows. So many people say you have to have love before commitment. I truly believe that the true, lasting love is a product of commitment.

Although at times I feel I should be strolling around Provo with a scarlet “D” on my sweater, I know most of the judgment from other is perceived. In Happy Valley, it is sometimes hard to know how to react to anything but happy endings. What we have to remember, is that just like any good fairytale, the opposition always comes first. The heroes are always faced by some struggle or villain. So this is my villain and someday I will have my happy ending. No, I don’t think everything will be perfect, but I will be happy. So here is to happy endings!

Beginning My Journey

“Divorced in Provo”...kind of like “Sleepless in Seattle” with a lot less romance and a lot more sleeping. So I’m 23, divorced, and live in Happy Valley, Utah…not exactly where I pictured my life at this point. I was married for 2 years to who I thought was the man of my dreams. Now, I’m going to come right out and say this. My husband…ex-husband (WOW…still can’t believe I’m saying that), is not a bad person. There is a reason I married him. And although I am not always the brightest crayon in the box, I didn’t walk into marriage blind. I pondered my decision, prayed about it, and felt good about it. And maybe that is why all this is so hard to swallow. Because my husband (Akkem…ex-husband) and I could have been great together. So while my friends, who have been married less time than I was are off multiplying and replenishing the earth, I am here moving in with roommates and marking my food with my initials before putting it in the fridge. BUT, like everything in life, something good can come out of something not so good. So, here I am beginning this journey. Some parts will be funny, others sad, but I hope by writing them down, I can give others something to laugh about, think about or identify with. And if no one ever reads my words, I hope I can find something in them. I hope I can find healing. One of my dearest friends recently gave me a journal for my birthday along with a note that said “I gave you this gift so that you can write down this journey of pain and healing-yes healing! One day someone will read it and find great strength in it.” Even if I am the “someone” who reads it and finds strength within my own words, my goal will have been accomplished. So here we go, ready or not! This is my life now and I am going to live it.